Welcome! You’ve no doubt found this post because you are feeling shitty. Come on in. Sit down. Have a cup of coffee or tea. We’re all friends here. You don’t have to smile. Or pretend to not feel shitty. We’ve all been there, or at least I certainly have. In fact, I’m feeling a bit shitty right now.
So, why should I listen to you, internet stranger who is also depressed?
In his book about getting sober, Augusten Burroughs quotes a rehab therapist asking why it takes a recovering alcoholic to help someone get dry. They use a metaphor about gum that is very nice and I couldn’t possibly say it any better than he did-you could do worse than to read the book Dry. You don’t have to be an alcoholic to find relief in his very funny story of overcoming a bad habit.
Anyway, the idea is that a person who has experienced the struggle, in this case depression, understands the condition better than someone who has never experienced it.
So, my CV, as it were:
- Depression, cutting — ages 13–21
- Suicidal ideation — age 17, occasional twinges in adulthood
- Walking depression, anxiety — on and off throughout adulthood
Coping mechanisms, healthy and unhealthy:
- Cutting (thankfully in the past), movies/TV, masturbation, ice-cream/food, reading (at times), writing (at times), therapy (on and off)
None of this is very interesting. When do I get to the part about not feeling shitty?
The reason I gave you a rough cut of my depression history is because some of the strategies below sound downright laughable. I want you to know that they can work, even if you are deeply unhappy, even if you can’t imagine ever feeling good.
If you are feeling suicidal, please get immediate, professional help: 1–800–273–8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
Okay, I felt shitty today. Some of it is my brain. Some of it is work. Some of it is feeling like life is inherently meaningless, I’m not good at anything I do, I’ll never be good at anything, I hate my life but don’t know how to change it, I know things I could do but I’m not doing them, I’m worthless-whew. Does any of this sound familiar? I hope not, but probably. However, I feel a little less shitty than I did this morning. Here’s what I did:
(I labelled this A, B,C because they are options. You don’t have to do everything on this list. You don’t have to do anything! But try one or more. I can almost guarantee you’ll feel a little less shitty.)
A) Watch funny videos.
Comedy is more valuable than gold. Think about it. Can gold make me instantly feel less shitty? Comedy can.
This is important because my depression strips away everything about life until all I can see is the absurdity of it all. True comedy doesn’t lie. It points out that absurdity, but suddenly I’m laughing at it. And laughing will always make you feel a little less shitty.
Don’t watch shit people said was funny that you don’t crack up at. You NEED to giggle, to snort, even, possibly, to belly laugh. Here’s where I started today. It helped.
Some other favorites:
All Key and Peele
Buzzfeed’s Weird Couples series (this may only work if you are in a couple)
B) Take a shower.
For real. When I’m down, I lie on the couch watching videos in my pajamas, letting fur grow on my teeth, scratching at my greasy hair. And guess what? Does this make me feel better about my meaningless existence? Surprise, surprise, it does not! It only adds to the shittiness.
So, yes, I know life is meaningless. And it won’t help you because your problems are bigger or your depression is worse, or whatever. I don’t care. Get in the shower. NOW.
Here’s what happens: showering itself might help (warm water on the scalp) or it might not, but then since I’ve showered, I’m more likely to brush my teeth. I’m going to get dressed, even if means pulling on old jeans. Suddenly, I’m clean and wearing clothes. I feel a little more human, a little more “with” the world.
C) Hug a tree.
I’m being hyperbolic but, truthfully, if you hug a tree, you will feel a little less shitty.
This is probably the one on the list that most depressed people struggle with the most.
My life is shit. The universe is meaningless. I hate everyone. I hate myself. You think going to the park is somehow going to make my life less shitty?
Um, yes?
[I]n a 2015 study, researchers compared the brain activity of healthy people after they walked for 90 minutes in either a natural setting or an urban one. They found that those who did a nature walk had lower activity in the prefrontal cortex, a brain region that is active during rumination — defined as repetitive thoughts that focus on negative emotions.
“When people are depressed or under high levels of stress, this part of the brain malfunctions, and people experience a continuous loop of negative thoughts,” says Dr. Strauss.
Digging a bit deeper, it appears that interacting with natural spaces offers other therapeutic benefits. For instance, calming nature sounds and even outdoor silence can lower blood pressure and levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which calms the body’s fight-or-flight response.
The visual aspects of nature can also have a soothing effect, according to Dr. Strauss. “Having something pleasant to focus on like trees and greenery helps distract your mind from negative thinking, so your thoughts become less filled with worry.”
Force yourself to leave your house. You don’t want to because everything is hard right now and your depression is lying to you. Your depression wants you to stay indoors, to have you all to itself, like a jealous girlfriend or boyfriend. Say, fuck it. Force yourself outdoors. Go lie on some grass. Stare at some water. Hug a tree. 5 minutes. That’s all. Then you can get back to the couch. I promise.
C) Sit in a cafe.
Harvard may have found that the urban environment doesn’t help depression but I disagree. Here’s why:
- Minute, unimportant interaction with a barista making you feel just a teensy, eensy wee bit connected to other humans.
- Delicious coffee or tea or muffin or brownie. Have whatever you want, diet be damned.
- Sitting, staring out the window at other humans, or reading, listening to background music and you realize that here, in this cafe, not a goddamn thing is expected of you.
Then, you get home and hey! You did something. You got out of the house today. It may seem like a silly accomplishment but I promise, you will feel slightly less shitty.
D) Put on music you like.
When I’m depressed, I sometimes forget music exists. Or I forget that I once had music I liked, loved even. It’s a funny thing that when I play one of those old favorites, I feel things. Depression strips me of emotions. Music gives me some of them back.
Happy, sad, doesn’t matter. Play a song you used to cry to or one that’s upbeat. Do something while you listen that doesn’t require much thought, like a game or crossword. See how you feel. A little better? I thought so.
E) Clean/straighten for 5 minutes.
In the ever-busy capitalist game called life, a lot of us tie our productivity to feelings of happiness. On the other hand, you could argue that human beings did not evolve to sit around all day watching videos and scratching themselves. (Then, again, you could make that argument. I’m looking at you, bonobos.) Point is, we have an urge, natural or environmental, to be active. But depression makes us feel overwhelmed and incapable of doing anything.
In addition to this, we are affected by our environment. It’s been well-reported that existing in a messy, cluttered, or dirty environment can add to feelings of overwhelm, which exacerbates depression/anxiety.
So, do 5 minutes. Unload the dishwasher. Wipe down the counters. Scoop the cat box. Take out the trash. Do one small thing to make your living space a little better and you will feel less shitty.
F) Exercise for 5 minutes.
I have an exercise bike. It is more likely to have a bowl of cat food on its seat than me. However, science and common sense show that even doing a tiny bit of exercise makes people feel less shitty.
The way I trick myself into it is by saying to myself, Hey, stupid, sorry, you. You’ve been reading Reddit on the couch for like 4 hours now. You’re starting to feel bad about that, right? You know what? If you get on the exercise bike, you can still read Reddit while technically doing a thing!
This can get me on the bike where the combination of accomplishment and endorphins definitely makes me feel a little less shitty.
If you don’t have a bike, some ideas for 5 minute exercises: a walk around the block, 10–20 sit-ups, 5–20 push-ups, fake yoga, jumping jacks, jogging in place. Bonus if you can watch TV while doing it!
G) Talk to someone.
This does not have to mean a therapist. What if you aren’t seeing your therapist today?
I had a setback at work. I got reprimanded for breaking a rule that had never been followed in all the years I’ve been there. I got threatened with disciplinary action! On top of an already shitty day.
In the past, I’ve felt so embarrassed by such things that I hid them from everyone but my S.O. And what did that do? Made me even more isolated and embarrassed and depressed.
This time, I forwarded it to a wonderfully cynical coworker who gave me the validation that, yes, this was shitty of our employer. I’m not suggesting ranting to the whole office. But confide in someone you trust about an issue you’re facing. Even if you feel like it’s your fault.
There’s a reason it’s called venting. Anger is a reasonable emotion for being treated shabbily, or feeling humiliated or embarrassed. Let the anger out to someone who is safe. Anger that isn’t vented gets turned back on you as, you guessed it, depression.
H) Think about someone else. (Advanced level, not for the faint of heart.)
Depression can make me selfish. I spiral and, inevitably, the spiral is all about me, me, me. I’m bad at this, I’m bad at everything, I hate myself, etc.
It’s hard to realize, because depression is a lying whore, that this is not reality. It is my perception of my reality. In reality, I’m not actually at the center of the universe. So, why should my thoughts only resolve around myself?
Force yourself to think about someone else’s problems. My random thoughts about other people today: I wonder how my sister and her boyfriend are doing; I’m so glad I was never a Mormon (on the ex-Mormon subreddit, there’s a lot of pain); that child is talking a lot, I wonder if the mom is a bit bored, etc.
Thinking about others can do two things. 1) It can remind you that other people have problems. You’re not alone. 2) You can obsess about their problems, instead of your own! Win, win!
I) Write.
This is probably the hardest. When I feel shitty, the last thing I want to do is write. Usually, I want to run away from my feelings. Ahem, see coping mechanisms at the beginning of this post. But, if I can force myself to write, this is actually not just a way to feel less shitty, but a way for me to even understand what I’m feeling.
Depression for most of us is not sadness. It’s meaninglessness. It’s the color grey. It’s disconnection from other humans and also from the self. Writing, for whatever reason, is the only thing on this list that can ground me. Today, it reminded me of who I am, that I am something other than my past. I am something other than my worth to other people. There is a being that is unique and different from every other being that will ever live. And at the same time, I am so human, just like all of these other humans. Our human frailty and angst is what ties us together, even when we feel the most alone.
That is a not so surprising reason that I wrote this post. Writing it, I feel a little bit connected to you, reader, even though you are a stranger. And I imagine, you feel just a bit connected to me, too.
I think depression at its core is isolation. Even reading this post, and other blog posts, articles, and memoirs about depression is a way to feel less isolated. It’s a way to fight the beast.
So, even if you don’t try any of the strategies above, though I really do recommend them, I wonder if you now feel a little less shitty than before.
P.S. Thank you for reading. Drop a line in the comments if any of this was helpful, useful, or interesting to you.
P.P. S. You are worthwhile. No matter what.
Originally published at http://lswrites.wordpress.com on April 10, 2019.
